Danu Makes a Tutorial Video for YouTube!

In a tiny house, two tiny pet birds have visitors from out of town.
Dreyer: Why, if it isn't our foreign cousins! Welcome, Lucas! Welcome, Cameron!
Lucas: We're not foreign!
Cameron: Yeah, we're from New Jersey.
Sjöström: That seems pretty foreign to me.
Lucas: Whatever. We're here to convince you to break out of your cage! Come live life on the wild side! Be independent. Be free.
Cameron: Be hungry.
Lucas: Ssh. Don't tell them that. Look, your life is boring, guys. BORING. Come fly around and have some fun.
Dreyer: Boring, eh? Watch and learn....

The house is in disarray. Two roommates meet when one returns home from his daily activities.
Tinker: Hey, Danu!
Danu: Oh, Tinker. There you are. Where have you been?
Tinker: I've been out unleashing the mighty fury of my ancient people on those who deserve my wrath--the unjust, the unwise, the evil!
Danu: Oh my GOD. You haven't been chasing the daycare kids around with your axe again, have you?

Tinker: Oh, no. I've been at the DMV.
Danu: Oh, that's okay, then. Say, would you mind helping me with a project? Please?
Tinker: Uh...okay. I guess. Let me take off my ancient magic hat and put away my trowel claw-thingy of doom.

While Tinker is gone, Danu pulls out a tiny plastic camera and her most prized possession, her Asian Ball Jointed Pig. When Tinker returns, she has things ready for him.
Danu: Here, Tinker. Just take this camera, put it on video mode, and record what I'm doing.
Tinker: Oh, no. Is this some of your weird ball pig collecting stuff? I don't want to be involved.
Danu: Oh, PLEASE? Pleasepleaseplease? I'm going to do a sewing tutorial for YouTube. Video tutorials are all the rage now.
Tinker: Okay, okay. How do I turn this thing on?

Danu begins to speak carefully into the camera.
Danu: Hi, I'm Danu Darkfollower, and today, I'm going to teach you how to sew for your Øïnks Super Pigfie Asian Ball Jointed Pig doll!
Tinker: Geez, that sewing machine is really small. Does it work?
Danu: Of course it does. I haven't tried it yet, but it's a SuperMiniLite. I got it off of Home Shopping Club. I saw it sew together four pieces of leather on the show.
Tinker: Do you believe everything you see on TV?
Danu: Of course not. That would be stupid. I only believe what I see on Home Shopping Club, Oprah, and the Lifetime network.

Danu collects herself and continues talking to the camera.
Danu: Today we're going to make a lovely Regency cloak with ribbon accents. First, take out your materials: your cloth, your ribbon--
Tinker: You can't make anything Regency out of that polyester garbage. I was alive during the Regency era, and there wasn't anything that looked that cheap.
Danu: Look, could you just be quiet and make the movie? Okay?

Danu: Now feed the cloth carefully through your sewing machine.
Suddenly, the machine makes a terrible screeching noise!

Danu: Uh...uh-oh. It isn't supposed to do that....

Danu: Uhhhh...oh, dear. No nonononono....

Danu: Oh, dear. This didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. It's kind of a big ball of fabric, thread, and ribbon. Uhhhhh...um...okay. I'll just do a different tutorial. I'll do a tutorial on how to attach your pigfie's wig with velcro. Okay. Yeah.

Danu: To attach a wig, take your pigfie, your wig, and some velcro, and--
Tinker: You only have one side of that velcro. And it's not sticky-sided. And there isn't any glue.

Danu: Well, FART! I give up! I quit! I can't do anything right! I hate this hobby and I'm never playing again! Wait...no, no. It's okay. Breathe. In and out. In. Out. I'll imagine myself on a beach somewhere. Calm, calm beach. Okay, there must be some of that video that's usable. We can salvage some of today, can't we?

Tinker: No, actually. I could never figure out how to turn the camera on.
Danu: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH! I am OUT of HERE!!

Tinker walks over and picks up the discarded mess.
Tinker: Hm...I wonder....

A few hours later...

Lucas: Hey, you're right. Your life isn't that boring after all. This stuff is better than reruns of Project Runway or watching kids from Jersey City hit each other with baseball bats!
Dreyer: And I think we all learned something today. Something about personal integrity. Although I can't figure out what it is.
Sjöström: I think we learned something about perseverance.
Cameron: I think we learned something about entrepreneurialism.
Lucas: I don't think we learned a damned thing, but man, it was funny.

© Copyright 2006 by Darkwood