Danu Gets Practical

Christmas Eve. Two birds share the holiday spirit.
Dreyer: Deck the cage with boughs of holly! Fa la la la la la la la la!
Sjöström: What'd you get me?
Dreyer: 'Tis the season to be jolly! Fa la la la la la la la la!
Sjöström: What'd you get me?
Dreyer: Don we now our gay apparel! Fa la la la la la la la la!
Sjöström: What'd you get me?

Tinker inspects the gifts under the tree.
Tinker: Look! Gifts! Let's see...there's one here for Sir Edwin Valomyr, and one for...Gipsie...and one for Saladme. Uh...Danu?
Danu: Yeah? I'm busy. What?
Tinker: Didn't you forget someone with these gifts? Someone important?
Danu: What? Oh, my God. Thank you for reminding me.
Tinker: You're welcome. I mean, I got you a gift. It's nothing big, just a little remembrance, and--
Danu: I wouldn't want to leave out the Yo Yo Ma Angel pigfie, would I?
Tinker sighs.

Tinker: Hey, what're you doing with all those papers, anyway? Some ball pig thing?
Danu: No, no. Something much more important than that.
Tinker: More important? Did I just hear you admit that there's something more important than ball-jointed pigs?
Danu: Yes. Getting money for more ball-jointed pigs. That's why I'm renting out the upstairs apartment. These are the applications.
Tinker: We have an upstairs?
Danu: Yeah. Look, the lady's getting here any minute now. We have to interview her and find out if we think she's going to be a good tenant. I'll do the talking. Just try to be non-threatening.
Tinker: Why haven't I ever seen the upstairs before? It's just up there, and I haven't seen it?
Danu: There's been no reason for you to see it. We haven't had a plot point around it yet.
Tinker: Oooh, I see.
Danu: Sit here in this chair beside me.
Tinker: I don't want to sit in the butterfly chair. It's goofy.
Danu: Come on. It's not a big deal. Just sit in the chair.
The doorbell rings, and Danu rushes to answer.

Tinker: Why do I suddenly feel like a macro? I hate this stupid chair.

Danu: Come in, come in. This is our little living room. Tinker, this is Lyda Stonejar. Lyda, this is Tinker, my roommate.
Lyda: Delighted to make your acquaintance.
Tinker: Stonejar?
Danu: Yes, Tinker, Stonejar, now ush-hay, so she'll ent-ray from us and I can get some more oney-may for my igfie-pays.
Tinker: You should try out to be a part of the CIA with all that covert ops knowledge. Very smooth and secret.

Danu whispers to Tinker.
Danu: Look, she's almost your size! Won't it be nice to have someone your size around?
Tinker: Hmpf. Size isn't everything, you know.
Danu: That's not what my spam emails say.

Danu: So, it says on your application here that you're looking to convert the apartment above to both commercial and living space.
Lyda: That's right.

Tinker: That's illegal. We're not zoned for that.
Danu: Sssh. A business means I can charge more rent.
Lyda: I was thinking of--
Danu: Well, it sounds like you have a firm business plan, then. That will be just fine.
Tinker: You didn't even ask her about her plans! You have no idea what she's going to do upstairs!
Danu: Ssh. Let me handle this. I'm the property owner.

Danu: It says here that you were born in 1829. That must be a typo. Is it 1982?
Lyda: Eighteen hundred and twenty nine is correct.
Danu: Well, that's a little...unusual. Could you tell me about what you've been doing with yourself? I already have one roommate who's from a mental institution. I just want to make sure we're inviting in the right people, you know.
Lyda: I have walked this earth for over a hundred years, learning the ways and magics of my people. By summoning the ritual power of the ancients, I can bring to light your heart and soul's desire, the thing you want more than anything in the whole world...
Tinker: No. This sounds bad. This sounds like a pact. Don't say yes to this!
Danu: Yes! That's neat! I want to see.
Tinker: Nonononono! Stop!!
Danu: Oh, Tinker. You're such a worry wart. I want to see my soul's desire!

Lyda: And so you shall!
Lyda casts some kind of spell, and a blinding ball of light builds between her hands! Her chair raises off the ground, levitating, and the presents shake beneath the tree.

When the light ebbs, they can see Danu's soul's desire.
Lyda: Is this...a plastic pig? The thing that makes your whole spiritual being complete is a plastic pig?
Danu: MY GOD! That's a Tan Pighoo with Special Event Curly Tail!! Those things are super-rare!! Wow! The resin really is as dark as they say it is!
Tinker: I know what you are, Stonejar. You're a vampire!
Danu: Maybe, maybe not. But a vampire bearing a Tan Pighoo is a vampire who just found herself a new place to live! I'll go get the rental contract.
Lyda: You are completed in body, mind, and spirit by a plastic pig?

Danu: Oh, my God. I believe in Christmas miracles. Look how dark and beautiful this resin is! Just fill out that paperwork while I go find this little guy a wig so his little head doesn't get cold!

Tinker: I've got my eye on you, Tremere.
Lyda: We don't use those foolish roleplaying names, redcap.
Tinker: Please. Of course you do. We fae were just as irritated when Rein-Hagen wrote Changeling as you guys were about The Masquerade. The guy had a big mouth. And besides, it doesn't change the fact that you're dangerous.
Lyda: Not as long as you stay out of my way. And you have never seen the wrath of--
Tinker: Sssh. Here comes Danu. Besides, whatever you can do, I'm sure I've seen worse. I've played Grand Theft Auto.
Lyda: You're right then. You probably have seen worse.

One rental agreement and three goodbyes later.
Danu: She was nice.
Tinker: She was a vampire. She is dangerous. I can't believe you just invited her into your house...legally.
Danu: Oh, don't be silly. She brought me a Tan Pighoo with Special Event Curly Tail!
Tinker: I'm telling you to stay away from her.
Danu: And I'm telling you to get into the holiday spirit, mister. Besides, there are real problems in the world right now. Real problems. Not like vampires, which everybody knows are just made up. REAL. PROBLEMS.
Tinker: Name one.
Danu: What about the fact that they're not going re-release any more Pigmanns in 2007? Or the fact that Sty of Angels keeps crashing? Or that some people say nasty things about SoA moderators in their WhineJournals? Real problems, mister. For real people. Not this vampire nonsense.
Tinker: Those aren't--
Danu: I'm going in the other room to post on the boards. I won't have any more of your holiday-killing bad mood today!

Tinker: But I...but....but....she's....

Dreyer: Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way!
Sjöström: What'd you get me?
Dreyer: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, HEY!
Sjöström: What'd you get me?
Dreyer: You're about to get the gift of instant death. It's the gift that keeps on giving. To me.
Sjöström: Oh. I didn't get you anything like that. I just got you a seed.
Dreyer: You miss a lot of things that happen in the "real world" which is all "around you," don't you?
Sjöström: Why? What? What happened? Did I get my gift yet?
Dreyer: Yes. Yes, you did. And you liked it a lot.
Sjöström: Yeah! It was the best gift I ever got. And you're the best friend I ever had! Happy holidays!
Dreyer: Happy holidays to you, too, little friend.

Many thanks to sher for Danu's cute outfit and to moonsong for the beautiful Tan Pighoo!

© 2006 by Darkwood