Eleven: Danu Posts to Controversial Pig

Danu Posts to Controversial Pig

Tread carefully through this one! It's a little..."controversial." It's also dedicated to harlowe and Z3n.

Dreyer: Look at that wing. Just look at it. It shimmers in the light. It's practically iridescent. Nature's majesty embodied.
Blue, purple, white, other blue, purple...white...wow.
Sjöström: Oh, God. Is it mating season again? You're not going to start singing "I'm Too Sexy for my Wing" again, are you?
Dreyer: Oh! Oh! I'd forgotten about that! I'm...too sexy for my cage...too sexy for my cage...I'm all the...I'm all the rage! Yeah!
Sjöström: Aah! AAGH!! Wait...wait...didn't Barthes say something about sexuality being based on the promise of sex and not on the act itself? Something about coverings being sexier than nakedness?! Didn't he? Can't you tell me about that? At length?!
Dreyer: Work it, work it, work it, YEAH! I'm feeling GOOD! I'm looking GOOD! Look at my tail feathers!
Sjöström: I don't WANT to look at your tail feathers! You're my cagemate!
Dreyer: What's the matter? Isn't there any love or respect in our relationship? Are you telling me you don't care about my feelings? You always treat me like an object. I think I'm going to cry. Wait...are you saying that these tail feathers make me look fat?
Sjöström: The problem with mating season is that there aren't any girl birds around here.

Tinker: You know, birds, I brought you in here so I would have some company, but it turns out that all you do is make chittering noises and shed feathers. BO-ring.
Dreyer and Sjöström: Chirpity-chirp chirp CHIRP chirp. Tweet! Tweeeeety cooo coo.
Tinker: Ugh. So boring. I thought maybe you'd magically speak English or something. Shows how far gone I am now that I'm living in this house. I guess I'll have to find something else to do.
Dreyer: Git.
Tinker: What was that?
Dreyer: Chirrrrup? Chirp.

Danu: Hey, Tinker.
Tinker: What? Oh, hey.
Danu: Whatcha doing?
Tinker: Oh, not much. I'm kinda down today. I feel a little lonely. I really wish I could get out and meet more people like me, with similar interests, and...you know...bald heads...and stuff.
Danu: Oh, uh-hunh.
Tinker: You know, sometimes I just feel like--
Danu: Great, great. Can I use your bed? I'll just pull it out from the wall here.
Tinker: My BED?!

Tinker: Woah, woah, woah. Why are you going to use my BED!?!?
Danu: It's smaller than mine, so it'll be good for my photoshoot.
Tinker: Oh, no. No nonononononono. You're not using my bed for some creepy ball pig photoshoot. In fact, stop touching Bob.
Danu: You're calling my pig photostories creepy when you have a pink security blanket named Bob?
Tinker: What's wrong with the name Bob?
Danu: Look, just let me use the bed, okay? I'll even put my own blanket down over Bob so he's not...traumatized.
Tinker: But what about ME?!
Danu: You want me to put another blanket over you?
Tinker: No, that's not what I--never mind. Just don't mess things up too much in here.

Danu: There we go. Look at Edwin. Wow. He looks so sexy, don't you think?
Tinker: He's a plastic pig. I don't have either a barnyard or a synthetics fetish. Sorry.
Danu: Let's see. Yeah. That's a good shot.
Tinker: How can you tell? You weren't even looking in the viewfinder.
Danu: The what? Oh, the little glass window thingy? This camera doesn't have one. All the parts are opaque pink, so you just have to think about what you might see in the window. It's much more artistic that way.

Later.
Danu: Now, let's see. We've gotten several pictures of Edwin and Gipsie sharing their love on your bed, and...
Tinker: That's IT. Off. Get off my bed. Leave it alone. Off. It's bad enough that you're taking these pictures but...but..."sharing their love"? I can't handle it.

Danu: Well, fine. If you feel that way about my artistic vision, then I'll just go elsewhere. You'll be sorry when I'm famous.
Tinker: Famous?! Famous for plastic pig smut?!!? Nobody gets famous for that. I've been alive for hundreds of years, met some of the most famous people in Western civilization, and never ONCE have I been at a palace, or an opium den, or a coffee shop, and had someone say to me, "Tinker, I'd like you to meet the Count de Fleury, famous for his exquisite velvet paintings of plastic pig smut."
Danu: Your problem is that you just don't understand the beauty of the human form. Of sexuality.
Tinker: PIGS ARE NOT THE HUMAN FORM!! THEY ARE THE PIG FORM!! THAT PLASTIC MONSTROSITY HAS SIX NIPPLES, A TAIL, AND FLOWING WHITE HAIR!!
Danu: Whatever. I'll just take my vision elsewhere.
Tinker: Wait a second...aren't you going to clean up this mess?

Danu: Sure. But I have to post these pictures first. They're too hot to keep lying around the house.
Tinker: Can't you do this in another room? Please?!
Danu: My stuff is in here. I'll do it in here. Then I'll clean up.
Tinker: Wait...that's not Sty of Angels.
Danu: Nope, this is Controversial Pig, the 18+ forum.
Tinker: There's an 18+ forum? You mean there are lots of people making dirty pictures of plastic barnyard animals?
Danu: Erotic images. Asian ball jointed pigs.
Tinker: Oh my God. The twenty-first century. The internet. It's the curse of immortality to have to live to see this day.

Danu: There we go! I hope they like my little story. I'm new to this forum.
Tinker: I hope nobody bans your ISP forever so you can't do any more erotic pig sharing.
Danu: What?
Tinker: Nothing. Why are your pictures are so blurry?
Danu: Oh. Um. Well...I didn't really...I guess the lighting.... Well, because blurry is SEXY. Everyone knows that. Blurry pictures are totally purposeful erotic signification.

Dreyer: She's totally right! Look how much sexier I am when I'm all blurry!!
Sjöström: Yeah, you look just like you did that night when the little guy with the pointy ears was giving us bottle caps filled with vodka.
Dreyer: I was totally sexy that night. You told me so.
Sjöström: I don't really remember, to be honest.
Dreyer: I do. You totally told me you loved me.
Sjöström: Well...you are a very good friend. A close friend. Almost a brother. Blue, but a brother. Of sorts.
Dreyer: Of course, you also told me you were growing caterpillars behind your eyes and that they were going to take over the world. And then you fell off of the perch. You were calling for your mommy.
Sjöström: Uh, yeah. Hey, I have an idea! How about you sing me that song about how sexy you are again?
Dreyer: YEAH! I'm too sexy for my perch, too sexy for my perch, so sexy that it HURTS!
Sjöström: It does hurt. It really does.

MEGA BONUS:
DoA's own Mercy made this screencap of a ConPig moderator welcoming Danu!
Many thanks!