Musical Interlude: Danu and her Pigfies (Re)Create a Killer

In a messy bedroom, two tiny birds enjoy the visit of their New Jersey cousins in the early morning hours.
Sjöström: Chirp chirp CHIIIIrp....
Lucas: Chirpity-chirp-a doo!
Cameron: Chirp a dee dope chirp BOP!
Dreyer: No, no, NO!! You're getting it all wrong. This is RECONSTRUCTED bird music. The cadences and the rhythms are completely different from those of modern birdsong. You're used to the more freeform techniques used today by performers sitting atop power lines, for instance. But that's not what we're looking at here. When these birds were singing, there were no power lines. So they had a totally different sound. Let's take it again from the top.
Cameron: Hey, how do we know what it sounds like, anyway? I mean, there aren't any birds still alive who were alive then to teach us how they sounded then.
Dreyer: It's an exhaustive process of academic research. First, scholars look into the possible ways in which birds might have used their songs socially and cultural to communi---
Cameron: Okay, right. Let's take it from the top.
Sjöström: Shoo be doo be chirp....
Dreyer: No, NO! They hadn't invented "shoo be doo" yet.
Sjöström: Had they invented not speaking yet? Because I'm thinking of not speaking to you.

DW: What's wrong, Danu?
Danu: Oh, I don't know. I just finished posting to Sty of Angels about my newest ABJP from PigZone. I don't really feel like we're bonding.
DW: Bonding?
Danu: Yeah. We don't have that special spiritual connection that forms between resin pig and resin pig owner. I can't even think of a name for him. I just don't feel that close to him yet. I hope someone on SoA can help me. Not bonding with an ABJP is a serious problem.
DW: It doesn't sound that serious.
Danu: It's too bad you just don't understand. I think I'm going to take a break from the hobby today, though. Try to have a day without SoA or SoD or any pigfie talk at all. Just do what normal people do with a Saturday.
DW: How would you know what normal people do on a Saturday?
Danu: I've seen it on TV.

Danu: I think I'll just put in some nice music...
DW: You could consider cleaning up your room, you know.
Danu: Just some nice music. I'll just put it in. Nice. Music.

As the first blaring measures of music emanate from the tiny plastic boom box, Danu's roommate arrives. He is overwhelmed by the music, but wants to share a revelation.
Tinker: Hey Danu...Danu? Darn, that music's loud. HEY DANU!! GUESS WHAT? DARKWOOD AND I HAD A BIG TALK LAST NIGHT, AND I'VE COME TO A REALIZATION. I UNDERSTAND NOW THAT IT'S WRONG TO KILL PEOPLE!!

As the "nice music" begins, Danu scoops up a hairbrush, holds it up to her face like a microphone, and begins to sing along. She hasn't noticed Tinker.
Danu: I think I did it again...

Danu: I made you BUH-lieve we're MORE than just FRIEeeeNDS!
Tinker: DARKWOOD TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT AND SAID THAT WHEN I HURT SOMEONE, EVEN IF IT'S SOMEONE REALLY EVIL LIKE A TELEMARKETER, THAT IT ISN'T JUST THEM I HURT, IT'S THEIR FAMILY AND OTHER INNOCENT PEOPLE, AND...HEY!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME??! HELLO!?

Tinker, jostled out of his own thoughts by the music, begins to focus on what's happening around him.
Danu: It might seem like a CRUUUUSH, but that doesn't mean that I'm serioOUUUSSS....
Tinker: Oh my God. What's happening? Should I leave? Should I keep talking to myself? Should I just stand perfectly still and pretend this isn't happening?

Danu, feeling sexy, gives the imaginary crowd a little dance and a wink.
Danu: But to lose ALL my SENses, that is JUST. SO. TYPICALLY. ME!!

Danu: Oops! You think I'm in LOOOOVE, that I'm sent from aBOOOOOOVE. I'm NOT THAT INNOCENT.
Tinker: I'll just stand...perfectly...still. And I'll wake up. This is just a little dream I'm having because I ate too much before bed.

The music swells, and Danu pauses to acknowledge her backup.
Danu: Take it, new unnamed PigZone dolly!

The PigZone dolly, unfortunately, doesn't have a voice in the right range. Or any voice at all, come to think of it. Instead, it contributes to the performance by having its stylish glasses fall off when Danu dances too close.
Danu: Whoooooo! Now YOU, Saladmé!

Saladmé, Danu's Notpig doll, seems similarly reticent.
Danu: And now the guitar solo! Go, Sir Edwin Valomyr!!

But Sir Edwin Vaolmyr has fallen on his side and lost his wig and therefore cannot play guitar for the band. Danu steps in, and, like a consummate performer, covers for him for the last few lines of the song.
Danu; I'm NOT. THAT. INNOCENT!!

Danu: Whew! Whoo hoo! Wonderful set!! Everyone take a bow!!
Strangely, the pigs are not as excited by their musical debut as Danu is. They remain where they are.

The performance finished, Tinker lets out a little strangled gasp.
Tinker: Oh. That was like a car wreck. I couldn't look away. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't do it. I just kept looking and looking. It was like seeing a decapitated head on the highway, only much, much worse. I feel sick. I've...I've...I'll...will...be back....return...wait.

Tinker: Sorry, Darkwood. I've just reconsidered that whole not killing thing. It can't be worse for the human race than that.
DW: What? I feel dazed...you do whatever you like, Tinker dear.
Danu: What? Oh! Tinker! How long have you been there?
Tinker: Just long enough for my faith in myself to be renewed.
Danu: Really? That's wonderful! You liked the performance, then?
Tinker: Oh, I couldn't look away. I wish I had a recording to put up on the internet.
Danu: Oh, thank you! That's so sweet!!
Tinker: Uh....yeah.

Sjöström: Hey, I kinda liked that tune. CHIRP! I did it aCHRIP...I made you CHIRPlieve...
Dreyer: Shut up, shut up, shut UP!!
Lucas: Hahahah! Man, your house is a laugh riot. You can't BUY better material than this!
Dreyer: Well, that's true. Not unless the writer decides to put better material into a book and sell it.
Cameron: Well, if the writer does decide to do that, we birds get royalties. Jersey birds don't do volunteer appearances.
Lucas: That's right. We have a contract already worked out.
Dreyer: And what if the writer doesn't honor the contract? What will you do then?
Cameron: We'll sue, obviously, for misuse of our intilluct...intelluct...thought property.
Dreyer: And if the writer refuses to acknowledge your lawsuit? Brought to court, no doubt, by your tiny mushroom bird lawyer?
Lucas: We'll hire the little guy with the pointed ears to reconstruct some knee caps.
Sjöström: Wait...the little guy is joining our birdsong reconstruction group? He can chirp?!
Dreyer: Are you even listening? Hmpf. I honestly do NOT see how the same person can possibly write my lines AND your lines.
Sjöström: What line? Shoo be doo be chirp? I came up with that myself.
Dreyer: Can you show me how that whole 'not speaking to me' thing goes again?
Sjöström: Really? You liked it!? Okay!!

 

© Copyright 2006 by Darkwood