Danu Struggles with Copyright Law
A heartwarming holiday pigfie story.

In a tiny house, two birds enjoy an afternoon exchange.
Dreyer: I don't like that new pig. It smells funny ever since the Plastic Baby Triceratops Bones chewed its leg off and Danu had to glue it back on and spray it with SeñorStickyCoat.
Sjöström: Danu had to glue it back on and spray it with SeñorStickyCoat.
Dreyer: Uh...yeah. You were here. What do you think of the Bones, anyway? He makes me kind of nervous.
Sjöström: He makes me kind of nervous.
Dreyer: Wait...are you copying me?
Sjöström: Copying me?
Dreyer: STOP IT!
Sjöström: STOP IT!
Dreyer: You are really being childish.
Sjöström: You are really being childish.

With Danu out of the house on a shopping run, Tinker takes a moment out of his busy schedule of killing and maiming to enjoy the paper.
Tinker: Hmm...three terrible car wrecks over the weekend. I really wish they'd take better photographs. And, oh, look at the puppy with the Santa Claus hat on! Ha ha ha! How cute!

Danu breezes in, looking a bit flustered.
Danu: It's terrible out today. Absolutely monstrous. This woman cut me off in the parking lot. Just cut me straight off when I was going in to get some trim from the tree. Why can't people just feel the holiday spirit like I do? It's time for loving each other, not for making rude hand gestures and telling others that they never should have been given a license in the first place!
Tinker: Is that a new jacket?
Danu: Yeah! I got it while I was out.
Tinker: Was it twenty years ago today when you taught the band to play?
Danu: What?
Tinker: Nothing.
Danu: Look, I'm not going to let you ruin my festive holiday spirit today with your negativity, mister! Nothing in the whole world can ruin my happiness and my feeling of goodwill towards men! And women. And animals. And plants.
Tinker: What about plankton?
Danu: Them, too. I'm non-denominational.

Tinker: You're really into this whole holiday spirit thing, aren't you?
Danu: Yep. I love decorating the tree. I put all the love I have for others into this. I mean, I save some for others, of course, but I put a lot of love I have into the tree, and I think it shows.
Tinker: You've forgotten to water it. It's turning brown. That shows.

Danu: I think this is such a beautiful time of the year. It's a time to forget our differences and just be at peace with each other. I want to embrace everyone in the whole world and just be great big friends at Christmas. I really feel as though I could forgive anyone anything right now. Anyway, I'm going to go check my email real quick.

Tinker: I smell some dramatic irony coming on.

Danu: Wait a second. What the...THAT BITCH! I will rip her eyeballs out and put them on toothpicks and flush the toothpicks down the toilet and then set her house on fire!! And then I'll rent an SUV and drive back and forth over the smoking remains of her house until the tires fall off of the car. And then I'll go after all her relatives, one by one.
Tinker: I see the holiday spirit has successfully overcome your differences with others. What's up?
Danu: This WOMAN on the INTERNET stole the design for my website. Just look!

Danu: I worked so hard on that website. I will not let some pirate copy the outpourings of my personal artistic soul.
Tinker: I thought your friend in Florida did that website because you couldn't understand HTML.
Danu: Well, he did the programming, of course, but I did the design.
Tinker: I thought your friend in Ohio did the design because you can't afford Photoshop and couldn't figure out how to download the GIMP.
Danu: Well, sort of, but I took and chose all the pictures and came up with the website name. This is an outpouring of my heart and soul.
Tinker: You spent three days looking through the dictionary for a name and couldn't decide and ended up on the floor crying. I chose the pictures and wrote the website copy while you got toasted and danced around the house singing "I'm a Little Teapot."
Danu: I CHOSE PINK.
Tinker: So did Mary Kay. Are you sure you weren't copying her?

Danu: The point is that if she thinks she's taking my idea and using it for her own, she's got another thing coming!
Tinker: Yeah, I get it, I guess. I mean, it's just ball pigs, but I can understand being upset. Are you going to call a lawyer and get a cease and desist order in the morning?
Danu: Oh, no. I'm taking this to the streets. Sometimes, you just have to fight for what you believe in.

Tinker: How about fighting legally? You know, through the legal system? With laws? So we don't have another policeman at the house again?
Danu: No way. That would take too long. I can't wait until tomorrow! I'm going to let the fans decide!
Tinker: The fans? Of your website? You get eighteen hits a week.
Danu: Hmm. You're right. Okay, here's another idea.s I'm going to find her ISP and call up everyone in her area and let them know what a crook they've got hiding right in their own backyard!! I'm going to let them know what a lying, stinking, cheat made the website!
Tinker: That sounds...illegal, somehow. Aren't there stalking laws against that? And besides, aren't you just giving her free publicity?
Danu: What? No. Hey, how many minutes do you have on your cell phone, because I only have three. I think I'll need at least thirty.
Tinker: My cell phone's broken. I left it at a crime scene. Actually, I never had one.

Danu: I'm going to need your help.
Tinker: Nuh-unh. Nyet. Nope. No.
Danu: Just sit down and read me the telephone numbers in this area code. Our ISP serves the whole city, so we'll just have to call everyone.
Tinker: I gave you my advice already. Just get a cease-and-desist order.
Danu: Sit down and start reading or I'm going to email Viola that video of you talking to your hand puppet, Mr. Sockies, about your childhood.
Tinker: Couldn't be happier to help, now that you mention it. A Aara: 555-1214.
Danu dials.
Danu: Hello? Mr. Aara? Oh, he is. Uh-hunh. Oh, no, I'm not selling anything. I'm just calling to tell you that you have an EVIL CHEAT in your area and not to go to her website because she is a horrible person and has stolen my beautiful, beautiful work. Wait...hello? Hello?
Tinker: She hung up on you?
Danu: She hung up on me. Should I call her back?
Tinker: No. Amy Aaster: 555-1094....

One hundred and two minutes of special Verizon Holiday Time Super Minutes! later.
Danu: We've called thirty two people and nobody cares. No one understands my artistic commitment. No one understands the heart and the soul I've put into my creation.
Tinker: I'm going to get a pizza. What do you want on it?
Danu: It's like someone's ripped a shred of my soul out and just done...terrible things to it.
Tinker: Do you like pepperoni?
Danu: I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust the Asian Ball-Jointed Pig Community again. Or anyone else, for that matter. I feel so violated. Completely, totally violated. I will never, ever be able to think about anything else.
Tinker: I'm getting pepperoni and anchovies.
Danu: Oh, gross. Don't get anchovies.

Thirty minutes later.
Danu: Well, I guess I learned something today.
Tinker: I'm gonna cut the pizza!
Danu: Wait...you don't have to cut the pizza. It's already cut.
Tinker: Oh, I know, but I like to play with the pizza cutter. I'm thinking of using it in a...project...soon.
Danu: Today I learned the right way to go about something. I was foolish, and I got burned.
Tinker: Oh, good! So you're going to take out a cease-and-desist order tomorrow morning?
Danu: What? Oh, no. I'm going to trash her on Sty of Angels.
Tinker: Look. People copy people all the time. Companies use the good ideas of other companies, artists imitate other artists, and thinkers use thoughts of other thought thinkers. The only reason this is such a big deal is that you have a large fandom of people with...not...enough to do.
Danu: What are you talking about? I have plenty to do. I put that tree up ALL DAY yesterday. I have lots of interests.
Tinker: You put the tree up in forty-five minutes and then spent the rest of the day posting pictures of your pig in front of it on Sty of Angels.

Dreyer: Should he be pulling that?
Sjöström: Should he be pulling that?
Dreyer: STOP COPYING ME!
Sjöström: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

PBTB: Hahhahahah! Wham!
Sjöström: I think that guy is kinda...immature.
Dreyer: This is coming from you?
Sjöström: Hey! That hurts my feelings. I just sometimes copy you...you know, to get your attention. Because you're so smart, and I'm just me, and so if I copy you, I can get you to acknowledge me. And also, I know I'll be saying something smart, because everything you say is so smart.
Dreyer: Aww...that's so sweet!
Sjöström: And also, when I copy what you say and put it on t-shirts and sell them on the internet, I make lots of money!
Dreyer: WHAT?
Sjöström: Nothing. Is that tree emitting sparks?
Dreyer: No. What were you saying before that. Before the sparks thing?
Sjöström: Just that I love you. And also, Merry Christmas. And Happy Hanukkah. And Winter Solstice. Happy Winter Bird Holiday?
Dreyer: Wasn't there something about making money on the internet?
Sjöström: I really think that tree is emitting sparks now.
PBTB: Oops. I drug the cord into the water. I'm going to...go somewhere else now. My messes are best left to be cleaned up by someone else!
Sjöström: Mine, too.
Dreyer: It's going to be a long month. Happy Winter Bird Holiday, everyone.

 

©2006 by Darkwood