Danu Interviews a Winner

An afternoon. The birds and the Plastic Baby Triceratops Bones discuss the meaning of life in the sunlight.
Sjöström: I still don't get it. What's the difference between an existentialist and an absurdist?
Dreyer: Well, Sartre was an existentialist, and Camus was an absurdist. When you start to think of the differences between, say, Nausea and The Stranger, you should begin to see how it works.
Sjöström: Oh. Oh yeah. Totally.
Dreyer: Have you read either Nausea or The Stranger?
Sjöström: Uh...no.
Dreyer: Well, see, your attempt to avoid those books subjectively is--
PBTB: I can burp the alphabet! You guys wanna see?
Sjöström: Is that absurdist?

Danu is hard at work on the computer, preparing for a top secret project related to Asian Ball-Jointed Pigs.

Enter Danu's roommate, Tinker, with a hair dryer and a bottle of water. His redcap hat is soaked in the blood of his enemies. Strangely, this doesn't seem to alarm anyone.
Tinker: Hey hey! Wow. You look nice today.

Danu: Hmm...? Oh, thanks! I have to do a phone interview later, so I wanted to look hip and cool. I thought it might help psych my interviewee out.
Tinker: Uh...your interviewee won't be able to see you, Danu, if it's a phone interview.
Danu: Oh, I know. But she'll be able to hear the fashion in my voice. Where've you been all day?

Tinker: Working on a new project. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to kill someone with a hair dryer? It's thirsty work.
Danu: Is that MY hair dryer?
Tinker: What? Oh...yeah. Don't worry. I don't think they'll catch me, so it shouldn't be taken by the police as evidence. Say, mind if I grab the phone?

Danu: WOAH! No no no. I need that phone line open for my interview.

Tinker: Hmpf. Well, I'll just sit over here and watch some DVDs. Is that okay, Your Highness?
Danu: Whatever. I'm just working on this secret project for Le Pig Camus magazine.
Tinker: Le Pig Camus magazine? What kind of name is that?
Danu: It's French, durrr.
Tinker: But I thought they were Asian ball pigs.
Danu: Asian Ball-Jointed Pigs. But the magazine is meant to evoke a certain...je ne sais quoi...of the glamor and wildness that is the modern ABJP and the modern ABJP collector.
Tinker: I'll agree with that--I certainly don't know what about the glamor and wildness of a bunch of plastic pigs or their whackmobile owners. What's the project, anyway?
Danu: I can't tell you. It's secret.
Tinker: You realize that if you don't tell me, I'll just read your emails tonight until I find out.

Danu: No you won't. And do you know WHY? Because I DELETED them just now! HAH!
Tinker: You deleted all the emails you needed to work on the special project just now?
Danu: Yeah. Deleted them PERMANENTLY. So HAH!
Tinker: Won't you need those emails to work on the special project?
Danu: Oh, damn.

The phone rings, and Danu checks the caller ID.
Danu: Oh, yay! It's the Le Pig Camus editor, calling to tell me who has won the chance to purchase the newest limited edition Øïnks Yo Yo Angel Ma pigfie. The magazine will be delivering it within the hour and I'LL GET TO INTERVIEW THE WINNER!
Tinker: You should probably consider answering the phone rather than just monologuing towards it.
Danu: Hello? Oh, hello! Yes! Yes! Okay. Okay. Wait...really? REALLY? No. No, I can still do the interview. I totally want to. Oh, please let me. I really want to do this interview. Okay. Okay. I'll email it to you by midnight.

Danu: Weeeee are the CHAMP-ions, my friiiieeeend....and we'll keep on FIGHTING 'till the end....
Tinker: Now what?
Danu: Guess who won the opportunity to buy the newest limited edition Øïnks Yo Yo Angel Ma Pigfie? GUESS?!
Tinker: You?
Danu: Yes!! It's on its way here now!!
Tinker: Oh, joy. So instead of interviewing someone, you're just going to type up your impressions?
Danu: Oh, no. That wouldn't be fair to my readers. I'm totally going to interview myself.

Three hours and two thousand, three hundred and twenty five dollars later....
Tinker: I can't believe you just paid that much for this stupid thing. What's so special about it?
Danu: It's a limited edition Øïnks Yo Yo Ma Angel Pigfie customized by the famous Japanese artist It Treads On Your Head With Boots. Øïnks only made three of these, and only one of those three was completed by that customizer!
Tinker: Why'd they only make three? Don't limited runs usually come in groups of, say, 150?
Danu: Oh, yeah. These were prototypes. They never got past the prototype stage with them.
Tinker: It's just got a handwritten card taped to the front. How cheap.
Danu: That's a limited edition hand-written card from It Treads On Your Head With Boots! It's worth $75 by itself!
Tinker: This is insane. You haven't paid the mortgage yet this month. Are you going to be able to pay the mortgage?
Danu: Ssh. I have to conduct my interview. I'm being paid for that, you know.
Tinker: How much? $2,325?
Danu: Oh, no. $15. Le Pig Camus doesn't have a wide readership, so they can't pay their writers very much.
Tinker: Well, I guess that's $15 of mortgage money we have.
Danu: Don't count on it. I won't be paid until February. Now sssh.

Danu opens the limited edition hard-sided box.
Danu: Danu, how do you feel now that you're opening this box for the first time and looking upon one of the rarest pigs in the hobby?
Danu: It's an incredible feeling, Danu. He's so delightfully pink!!
Danu: Do you like pink, Danu?
Tinker: WOULD YOU STOP USING YOUR NAME? This is ridiculous!!
Danu: Danu, should we ask our third party to leave?
Danu: Yes, I think that would be a good idea.
Tinker: I'm not leaving because you tell me to. Either of your yous.

Danu: Danu, what do you think of the beautiful glasses provided by It Treads On Your Head With Boots?
Danu: Well, Danu, I think they're really gorgeous. They compliment the skin tone of this new sunlight-skinned Yo Yo Angel Ma perfectly. It Treads never disappoints us with her impeccable style!
Danu: You're so, so right, Danu. Is there anything else that you'd like to add about holding this little guy in your arms for the first time?
Danu: Gosh, Danu. I'm just so overwhelmed by how lovely and how heavy this little guy is. I can't wait to put him in all kinds of poses and fill the galleries of Sty of Angels with him!
Danu: I can't wait to see your pictures! You're such a good photographer.
Tinker: You're sitting in your living room complimenting yourself in the third person. This is a new low.

Danu: Okay, I gotta get writing. That was a great interview! She was a lot of fun to talk to.
Tinker: Look, I'm going to pretend you're not stark raving mad for a minute and ask you a serious question. Can you answer a serious question? About that pig?
Danu: Sure!
Tinker: Are its wings tied on with string?
Danu: Limited edition string, yeah.
Tinker: You paid over two thousand dollars for a pig whose wings are attached with string?
Danu: Well, yeah. That's why the Yo Yo Angel Mas never went into mass production. They couldn't figure out how to get their wings stuck on properly.
Tinker: Oh, that's better. So you just paid over two thousand dollars for a prototype of a ball pig that the makers knew didn't work right.
Danu: A limited edition prototype of a ball pig that they knew didn't work right, yeah.

In the meantime....
PBTB: ROWF!! Chomp!

Dreyer: And so the Absurdists argue against the ability of man to know anything about his world because such meaning doesn't really exist.
Sjöström: So there's no way for me ever to know who I really am?
Dreyer: Right. Just like there's no way to know why anyone would pay that much for a limited edition pigfie.
PBTB: Or why this stupid pig doesn't taste like pork.
Sjöström: Oh, my gosh! I SEE! I finally understand something that you explained to me!
Dreyer: No, you didn't. Because the meaning that I just explained to you doesn't exist.
Sjöström: Oh. I knew that. I think I'm just going to close one eye now and peer at people, okay?
Dreyer: Sounds good.
PBTB: I think its arm just came off. Oops!

© 2006 by Darkwood