Danu Writes a Thank You Note

Late afternoon in the tiny house finds two birds discussing the fine art of manners.
Dreyer: I really think you ought to brush up on your manners. You were so horribly rude when our Jersey cousins were here. You ate seed treat stick with your beak open!
Sjöström: Manners? I know all about manners. If I wear lavender-colored gloves to a tea party in the afternoon before Memorial Day, I have bad luck for seven years.
Dreyer: No, no. Look. I have Emily Post's Guide to Manners for Birds, Third Edition right here.
Sjöström: I don't see why this is so important. We're pet birds. We poop where we live. How important can manners be to us?
Dreyer: Manners are our way of showing others that we respect and care about their ideas and opinions. Manners make sure that we're taking the feelings of others into account and help to create a warm, comfortable atmosphere in which we all feel accepted and welcome.
Sjöström: But what if we're the type of bird who would feel most accepted and welcome if we could just eat with our beak open?
Dreyer: Then you don't deserve acceptance or welcome. Now, let's start with Chapter One: Outdoor Power Line Sitting Etiquette.

DW: Hiya, Danu! What're you doing?
Danu: I'm trying to find the words to express the ineffable. I have so much in my heart.
It makes me wish that what I felt was more...more...effable.
DW: Danu, that's so sweet! Are you in love? Who is he? Where did you meet him?
Danu: Oh, heavens no. I'm writing a letter to Øïnks.

Danu: Hiya, Tinker. Where have you been all day?
Tinker: Oof! This thing is HEAVY. I've been down at Best Buy, unleashing my supernatural wrath on the Geek Squad.
I got this personal DVD player out of 'em. What are you doing? Some ball pig thing?
Danu: 'Asian ball jointed pig' thing. How many times do I have to tell you?
Tinker: Ball pig. Got it.

Danu: Do you think it would make my feelings more special if I took scissors and scalloped the edges of the page, like so? Does that help communicate my love and affection?
DW: Danu, what's this all about?
Danu: Well, I'll show you. I got a very special invitation in the mail today. It's to the Øïnks Super Pigfie Fantasy Prom!!
I got an invite!! Can you imagine?
DW: I really can't.
Tinker: I really don't want to.

Tinker: Okay, so what? You can't go to that. It's a seven-hour drive on a day you have to work. Are you taking off work again?
Didn't you get an official warning the last time you took off for some weird ball pig lottery?
Danu: Oh, I'm not taking off work. I'm writing a thank-you note to them just because I was invited. I'm so honored.

Tinker: Let me get this straight. You're writing a thank-you note to a corporation for inviting you to a
fundraising event that you can't even attend.
Danu: Well, yes. It's the polite thing to do. I mean, Øïnks cares about their product.
They care about me. They sent me an invitation.
Tinker: That's so mean. That's just...so mean. I'm speechless.
Danu: Mean?! How?
Tinker: Think about all those other companies who go out of their way to make your everyday life easier.
They give you special presents like coupons and mail-in rebates and you NEVER, ever thank them.
You're so heartless. You're so cold.
Danu: Other companies?

Tinker: Don't you think the people who make your fabric softener would like to have your heartfelt thanks? Or the people who made the chair you're sitting on? Don't you think they care about you, too? Isn't it unfair of you to thank one corporation if you're not going to thank the rest?
Danu: My gosh. I never thought about it like that. But...there are so many to thank. I could never do them all.
Tinker: Don't worry. I'll help you.
Danu: Really?

Tinker: I'll just sit right over here and play some DVDs, but I'll also help remind you of all the corporations who make products that are important to you.
Danu: Wow. Thanks. Where should I start?
Tinker: Who's your toilet paper manufacturer?

Hour one.
Dear Charmin,
I am so grateful for the care you put into your product. It makes me feel clean. I also like that it comes in so many decorator colors.
It's very clever that all toilet paper roll sizes are standardized so we can fit them on our home holders.
You should probably give the guy who came up with that a raise. How are all of your families? Do you own pets?
Everyone here is well. Tinker sends his best, too.
Sincerely, your customer, Danu Darkfollower.

Hour two.
Tinker: Heeheehee. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It just doesn't get more heartwarming than that. Reminds me of Christmas.
Danu: Okay, I think I'm almost done.
Tinker: Did you thank the people who make the hand soap that we use in the bathroom?
Danu: Oh, shoot!! I'll do that now.
Tinker: Good, good.

Hour three.
Dear Brawny Paper Towels,
Thank you for your product. I love it. The logger on the logo has on a very red shirt.
Thanks again. Danu.
Tinker: Don't forget our George Foreman Grill!!
Danu: Ooooh.

Hour four.
Danu: Can't...feel...right...arm.
Tinker: The person who made the hinges on your dresser!
Danu: Uhhhhh.....urgh...mmmmf.

Hour five.
Tinker: Hunh. I don't think Kill Bill is all that violent. I'm just not seeing it. Seems like pretty traditional family values to me.
Danu: Must...have...dinner....
Tinker: Hmmm? Oh, speaking of dinner, don't forget to thank our oven manufacturer!
Danu: I wish I were dead.
Tinker: Razors and sleeping pills! Gillette and Unisom are definitely important.

Danu: I feel terrible. I'm a failure at thanking people. Maybe I'm just not worthy to keep my beloved Sir Edwin Valomyr the Third. Perhaps I should just sell him and everything else I own.
Tinker: Oh, don't do that.
Danu: Why not? I'm obviously not nice enough to keep them all. I didn't even think about all the corporations I was hurting by not thanking them until today. I just don't deserve this stuff. I should sell it, I really should.
Tinker: But if you sell it, just think of all the thank you notes you'd have to write to every buyer. Every single last one.

Danu: Say, speaking of which, howcome I never see you writing any thank you letters?
Did you thank the guys you beat up to get that DVD player this morning?
Tinker: Oh. Um. I...
Danu: Yes?
Tinker: I've got it all...uh...automated. Via a listserv web board blog browser ftp site. Very complex. Programmed it myself.
Uses top secret Pentagon technology. And it's powered by a Mac.
Danu: Oh. Could you show me how to set one up?
Tinker: Oh, I don't really know how.
Danu: But I thought you said you programmed it yourself.
Tinker: I meant that I don't know how I could refuse. In fact, I'll just do it for you, and then you can tell me the products and I'll have it automatically send them notes from now on. In fact, you can just leave me a list.
You can leave it right in the trash can, and I'll pick it up from there.
Danu: That's great! I'm going to go post to Sty of Angels and tell them so EVERYONE can send their Øïnks notes automatically!
Tinker: Oh, I wouldn't do that. You wouldn't want the server to get overloaded so it couldn't handle your products, now would you?
Danu: Good point. You're so helpful. I'm glad you're my roommate. Can I put you on the thank-you note list?
Tinker: Why, sure! Would you like to send a little monetary gift to my PayPal account, too? Just to go that extra little step?

Dreyer: See? It's exactly as I was telling you. Manners are simply an excuse for one social class to oppress and control another. They are a social code designed to exclude those who are newcomers to a particular culture or economic class.
Sjöström: But I thought you said they were about creating a warm and inclusive atmosphere.
Dreyer: I said no such thing!
Sjöström: Then why do you have that Emily Post book?
Dreyer: Oh. Um. I...
Sjöström: Yes?
Dreyer: I was going to give it to YOU! As a thank-you for being my good friend.
Sjöström: Wow. Really? Thanks! That's so nice. Now...what were you saying about control?
Dreyer: Oh, nothing, really. Would you like some seed treat stick?