Danu Has a Breach in Security

In a tiny house, two birds deal with the shocking emotional aftermath of having lost a nest
full of eggs,tiny lives with which they had been entrusted.
Sjöström: Okay. I made this WANTED poster, which makes the whole thing look totally legitimate. Like we already started taking care of it.
Dreyer: Good, good. Nobody can disbelieve you when you've got an advertising campaign behind you.
That's a nice picture of a dingo, too. Where'd you get it?
Sjöström: Oh, off some free image site. I put it together with that GIMP program, too!
So although I did cause the death of a nest full of eggs, nobody can accuse me of software piracy!
Dreyer: Uh...yeah. At least there's that. When Cameron comes back for his eggs, we're all set.
We'll just explain about the dingo, and use the visual aid to back up our story.

Tinker comes in to enjoy the morning sunlight.
Tinker: Ugh! Stupid tall people windows. Oh, well. At least it's quiet around here since Danu became a Modlet on Sty of Angels.
She's too busy with the computer to bother me.

Suddenly, something strikes Tinker as he notices Sir Edwin Valomyr, his roommate's Asian Ball-Jointed Pig.
Tinker: Does that stupid ball pig have on military goggles? Is that a hunting knife?

Enter Danu.
Danu: My GOD! Get away from the window! Get AWAY!! Get DOWN!!
Tinker: Hunh? What? Wait--is that a military assault shotgun?
Danu: Of course it is. Now get DOWN!!
Tinker: Okay, okay. Just stop yelling.

Tinker: Now, what's going on?
Danu: There's been a breach of security at Sty of Angels. Someone got access to the moderators' board.
Tinker: And this means you need a military assault shotgun because....?
Danu; BECAUSE THERE WAS PERSONAL INFORMATION ON THERE! SOME PSYCHO HAS MY NAME AND ADDRESS! Whoever it was saw a lot of things she wasn't supposed to see. A lot.
Tinker: On a ball pig bulletin board?
Danu: Asian Ball-Jointed Pig Community.
Tinker: Pig board. Right. Look, Danu... information on the web really isn't very secure. Whoever got that info could have gotten it in other places, too. Heck, it's probably not that hard to get into the secret boards, anyway. People probably do it every day. I really wouldn't worry that much. Whatever information was there has probably been available for a long time. I'll show you.

Tinker: Look, here we go. With just a little hacking, I'm into the Moderators' Super Secret Board. Let's see...uh-hunh...uh...uh, Danu?
Danu: What? What!? My God. Is it terrible? Are we okay?!
Tinker: All that's here is a recipe for chocolate cake and a thirteen page thread about how much you mods don't like some member's haircut.
Danu: See!? It's totally sensitive information!!!
Tinker: ...

Danu: Besides, how did you get in there? Maybe YOU are the threat.
Tinker: You need to stop watching made-for-TV movies on Homeland Security. It's V-Bulletin software. The security isn't that tight. It wasn't developed for the Pentagon, just to protect ... chocolate cake recipes, apparently.
Danu; You're not supposed to have seen that information!
Tinker: As someone who was in a mental institution for many years, I'd advise you to point that gun somewhere else.
Where did you get all that military stuff, anyway?
Danu: Oh, on eBay. I just searched for military + killing + security. It's called the Patriot Home Security Kit. Some guy in Texas makes them.
Tinker: EBay. Where else? Really, I think you should just calm down.
After all, if I wanted to, I could get sensitive information about you easily enough elsewhere. Watch.

While Tinker investigates, Danu reads.
Tinker: Danu Darkfollower, DOB: 12/25/83, state driver's license number 125-521-043.
Danu: Whatever. That's nothing. You could have memorized that by going through my wallet and looking at my stuff. Just leave me alone and let me protect my family. Let's see: 'To use hand grenade, pull the pin and count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.'
Tinker: I'm really not sure you should trust military grenade instructions that come to you via Monty Python.
Danu: Trying to change the subject, are you? Because you can't find any more information on me. Just proves my point about how important this breach of security really is.

Tinker: Okay, let's see. Your favorite vegetable is peas. (Posted to the AOL 'I Love Veggies' group in 1999.) Your mother's maiden name was Whitesmith. (Posted to a genealogy site in 2000.) You hate thong underwear. (Posted to Yahoo!Personals in 2001.) Wait...you posted a Yahoo! Personal in which you mentioned your underwear preferences? HAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!
Danu: Oh, shut up. Hey, do you want some of this soda? I got it with my military order.
Tinker: That's not soda. That's a flashbang. I'd put it down.
Danu: I NEED this to protect my FAMILY!!
Tinker: But just a minute ago, you thought it was soda.
Danu: Well, now I know it's not, so now I know I need it.

Tinker: Whatever. In 2005, you got a speeding ticket. You explained to the officer that you were speeding because you had to get your pigfie home quickly since he had an e-date. You showed him the pig and told him that its hair came off. He recorded all of this in his report. In an email to a friend, reproduced on some customer service joke site, he said that you were cute, but that nothing could make up for--and I quote--'that level of crazy.'

Danu: That cop thought I was cute? REALLY? That's so sweet!!
Tinker: You're missing the point! I wasn't giving you dating advice.
Danu: Hmm...it says that when using the flashbang, I should wear these protective eyeglasses, but they don't really go with my outfit. I guess I won't use it after all.
Tinker: The POINT is that with a little patience, I can pull up almost anything on the net about you. Anything you post--anywhere--should be treated as public, not as private.

Danu: Okay, okay. I've learned my lesson. I'm going outside now.
Tinker: What are you going to do with that shovel?
Danu: Install the Home Landmine Kit, of course! Just in case.
Tinker: I'm going to install myself in a hotel until all this is over. Email me when things are worked out.
Danu: Just check Sty of Angels. We'll post when it's all done.
Tinker: How about you just CALL me, okay? The pig board makes me nervous.

Dreyer: Oh, my God. Cameron, we have bad news. Steel yourself.
Cameron: What, about the nest? I already know that you fell asleep and it got taken.
Dreyer: WHAT!? How do you know?!
Cameron: Well, it was in Sjöström's LiveJournal and he posted it in a thread on Looking For Dingo Pictures on a free image forum AND the story got reproduced on the Yahoo! Birds With Kids group.
Sjöström: But my LiveJournal was friendslocked!!
Cameron: It's LiveJournal. The security isn't that tight. It wasn't made for the Pentagon.
Dreyer: Oh, no. Oh my god. Our lives are over, aren't they? Over! Look, I'm sorry we lied. Just please, please don't send us to prison! I'll grovel! I'll beg. Anything.
Cameron: What? Oh, no way, man. It's totally cool.
Sjöström: It IS?
Cameron: Yeah. I mean, that's our third nest this year. We don't need ALL those kids. Besides, if you hadn't killed them, some other predator would have gotten them, you know? That's just how it is with kids.
Dreyer: Oh, yeah. I knew. I kept TELLING that to Sjöström, but he just wouldn't listen.
Sjöström: What? Wait, that wasn't how it happened.
Dreyer: Yeah, yeah. Remember how you wouldn't listen?
Sjöström: I wouldn't?
Dreyer: Nope, you wouldn't listen.
Sjöström: Oh, yeah. NOW I remember. I should listen to you more often.
Dreyer: You should put that in your LiveJournal, where you can look at it every day and remember.
Sjöström: Oh, I can't. I changed my password this morning and already forgot what it was. I guess I'll have to start a new journal.
Dreyer: How many is it so far?
Sjöström: Thirty five.
Dreyer: I guess that's not so bad for a birdbrain.
Sjöström: This week.

©2006 by Darkwood